Tuesday, November 21, 2006

A Call For Interpretation

I had a disturbing dream last night. It wasn't disturbing in the normal "teeth falling out" or "falling off of a cliff" dream kind of way. It was about my ex...uh...ex "friend." Some context is needed here.

Before my current gf I was involved with a girl for about a year. I will call her "la malinche." It was the most passionate and unhealthy relationship I have ever been in. Our first physical encounter was in an employee-only area next to a freight elevator in a hotel in a different city. That represented about 6 months of sexual tension that just blew up. When we started "seeing" each other regularly, she lived with her boyfriend of several years.

It started out as more or less purely physical, but I think part of why I was so attracted to her was her personality and intellect. Seriously. Don't get me wrong, la malinche is beautiful, but it was more than just a pure physical attraction. I was attracted to her in a very animal, soul-yearning, painful way. Based on what transpired I can only guess that it was reciprocated. Well...the passion part anyway. We did it everywhere: my place, her place when her boyfriend was gone, the library at school, bathrooms, barely hidden corners of public places. She moved out of the apartment with her boyfriend. It eventually became a bit more domestic. We took trips together, watched movies, and had quiet nights at home. Eventually, it almost looked like a real relationship. Almost.

Looking back on it now, I don't recognize myself. I think part of it might have been the fact that my dad was dying at the time, and I was struggling for some sort of meaning. Oh yeah, I was studying for the bar for part of this too. Very odd time in my life. To tell the truth, I don't know if I've ever fully recovered from all of this.

Anyway, she eventually had an emotional crisis, we stopped seeing each other, and as far as I know I think she got engaged to her previously ditched boyfriend. Several months after this all blew up in my face is when I started dating current gf. After la malinche, my current gf was a breath of fresh air. She was attractive, single, and we got along really well.

Ok, right, so the dream. I dreamed about la malinche last night. And we kissed. And it was like it was before with her: aggressive, playful, sensual. I could feel it in my toes. It made me tremble with excitement and I felt very alive. When I woke up, I realized that I don't really feel that with my current gf.

Now I don't know what to make of this. I don't think kissing la malinche was always that good...or at least as good as my dream made it out to be. And I do believe that part of my attraction to la malinche was the fact that she was never really attainable. Like I said, we almost were a real couple, but she went out of her way to remind me that I was disposable.

My physical relationship with gf is pretty good (great sexy time), but I don't yearn for her the same way I yearned for la malinche. Now part of that might just be age, and the fact that I work a lot now (my justification thus far). But my dream made me worry a bit more that maybe...just maybe....I need to find someone with whom I have that soul-wrenching yearning for. Or was that yearning just a function of my dysfunctional relationship with la malinche, and something that I shouldn't look for because it's a symptom of an unhealthy relationship?

I love this song and it kind of reminds of me of that whole "relationship"


Mademoiselle De Rigueur said...

When I read this post, it really struck me in a number of ways. Mostly, I was taken aback by your honesty, with yourself, and with (basically) the rest of the world.

I felt that it required a thoughtful answer, so I decided to think awhile, and write when I had a good one.

Thing is, I don't know that there is one. We have all had that relationship that is as painful as it is sweet. A friend once told me that the reason we are not able to let go of those persons is that just as they can easily make us angrier than anyone we know, they also have the capacity to make us the happiest. But, at what point, does one overtake the other? Or, stated differently, is there a point past which, we grow tired?

Similarly, we have all had relationships in which we love the least, where the person is accomodating to our likes and dislikes. We feel secure and comfortable, but we don't feel as if we need the person itself, just the comfort they provide.

I guess your dilema is finding out if you really want to be with the person you are with, for her sake and yours.

Somwhere, somehow, that perfect combination exists. I know we are all waiting for it. (Let's just hope it exists.)

the default attorney said...

Oh mlle, I think you're right. She was like a drug: peaking highs, and valley-deep lows. I would never want something like that again, but the passion....oh the passion.

The fact that the current gf is now long distance doesn't help either. Now I'm not reminded of the comfort and security on a regular basis. Now I get angry phone calls about how I'm not making enough of an effort.

I wasn't sure if I should write a post like this, but then I figured, what's the point of anonymity if you can't take advantage of it. I'd rather have a bunch of people I will never met judge me, than...well...I guess my friends already know what happened.

Thanks for your thoughtfulness. It made my day.

VerbalD said...

Sigh... Kisses, the real ones, it's why we're alive.