Out of Office Notification

Here is the out-of-office email I'd really like to write:

Oh Hai,

The "Powers That Be" finally loosened my chains enough so I am able to wiggle free and get out of this cell with a view that, right now, smells like burrito.

I will be back in the office on March 3. Well, I should qualify that. I will physically be back in the office on March 3, but mentally I will still be in Asia.

You see, there's this thing called jet lag, and since I'm not actually flying back until Sunday, March 2, I will be completely knackered and only semi-aware of my surroundings when Monday rolls around, or whatever day it will feel like to me.

At first I thought, "hey, maybe I should come back on Friday or Saturday so that I can re-acclimate to the CA time-zone before I go back to work." But then I thought,

"Fuck that."

I'm not going to cut my vacation short just so I'll be "cogent" or "productive" or "conscious" on Monday.

If you're emailing me because the office is falling apart during my absence, and that no one else can seem to handle the 400 kazillion tasks I do on an average day, don't bother. Because I'm not here! This is an automatic email; there's like some robot somewhere sending out this very message to all of you, so DON'T FEEL SPECIAL.

If any urgent matters should arise, please contact my assistant, your mom, at 1-800-CUL8TR-A$$HOLES.

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