This should level the playing field

How the Onion manages to stay so consistently funny is a weekly miracle to me.

New Chemical Weapon 'Ennui Gas' Induces Listlessness, Dissatisfaction With Life

Dear politicians and members of the media,

Hi. I'm from San Francisco. Well, not originally. Originally, I am from a very small rural town in Eastern California. It is a town built for tourists generally; but a lot of the people who live there are of the cowboy/ranching/general shit-kicking type; the kind that brag about what zone they got for their deer tags.

I would stop short of going to the rodeo, but I did often go to local fairs and gander at the contemporary equivalent of Zuckerman's famous pig. It was a fine place to grow up, but at an early age, I knew it wasn't my scene.

Most of the people who live in San Francisco are from somewhere else. I can only think of two people I know who can actually say they are "from" San Francisco. Drawn by the culture, weather (ha ha), politics, or some mixture, most people who live here have generally chosen to live here. Some of them are from big cities. Some of them are from little towns like me. Some of my friends here are from Nebraska, Wisconsin, Oregon, and Ohio.

I live here because of the culture, the city's proximity to some amazing places (Yosemite, Napa/Sonoma Wine Country, Big Sur, Stinson Beach), and I like the city's general mellow, tolerant, and laid-back attitude.

I won't lie. I'm a liberal. I would venture to say very liberal by most people's standards, at least as far as social issues go. Compared to others in SF, I would probably be considered just sort of liberal. But I like living in a city that prides itself on being progressive, even when I don't necessarily agree with all of it.

But to the extent that people call San Francisco a "bubble," I must vehemently disagree.

Gas prices near my house are now $4.17/gallon, compared to a national average of $3.47. I'm not going to even bring up property prices or rent here. Ok maybe I will. My roommate and I pay over $2k a month for a very small 2 bedroom. Owning property here is not really ever in the cards for me. I have been held-up at gunpoint. Our public transportation system is severely lacking. Some of our neighborhoods are downright scary, and some of that is because shipping yards and other businesses have shut down or left town.

In sum, San Francisco, like other cities, has its share of problems and it is in no way immune or impervious to the economic shocks than others. Sure, we're liberal, but other than that, we are just like everyone else.

And just like you, I like where I live. I'm proud of my city, and I don't like people bad-mouthing it.

So to all of you politicians and members of the media who like to throw my city's name around whenever they want to really emphasize that someone is "elitist," maybe you should think about the real out-of-touch bubble that is Capital Hill before you start badgering us. Especially when a certain other democratic candidate also just had a closed-door fund raiser here herself.

Well, I was trying to find a link, but can't. Hillary Clinton was in the building next door to where I work a couple of weeks ago.

Waterboarding proven effective for team spirit, sales

As reported by the Washington Post, Chad Hudgens was waterboarded by his boss as part of a team building exercise in Provo Utah. "Why?," you ask? What does waterboarding a sales rep have anything to do with selling online "coaching"? To demonstrate an important and inspiring message about work ethic. According to the torturer interrogator boss:

"You saw how hard Chad fought for air right there. I want you to go back inside and fight that hard to make sales."

Although Hudgens has filed suit against his (I'm going to gesss former) employer, he admits the technique's efficacy:

"I don't know if the government should do it or not," Hudgens said. "But I can tell you firsthand, because it happened to me, it definitely works.

"They didn't tell me it was going to happen, but if they did, holy cow, I would've told them whatever they wanted me to tell them."

"Holy Cow," indeed. Maybe my job isn't that bad after all.

Quand un révolutionnaire se tait

The poet, playwright, and father of a movement that came to be known as "négritude" (an affirmation and pride of being black) in the 1930s and 40s, long before any equivalent movement elsewhere Aimé Césaire passed away today.

I didn't really understand his work, like Cahier d'un retour au pays natal, when I read it in school, but looking back, it was nothing if not revolutionary. His voice was the first to artfully scream of the injustice and violent oppression of French colonialism in the Caribbean and elsewhere. His work inspired André Breton and Franz Fanon. His use of literature and the surreal as a means of critiquing colonialism was steeped with an authenticity and gravity that other french authors could never really hope to speak with.

Je viendrais à ce pays mien et je lui dirais : Embrassez-moi sans crainte... Et si je ne sais que parler, c'est pour vous que je parlerai».
Et je lui dirais encore :
« Ma bouche sera la bouche des malheurs qui n'ont point de bouche, ma voix, la liberté de celles qui s'affaissent au cachot du désespoir. »

A quote I found of his a while ago, that I think is just as true today, as it was during the height of the anticolonial struggle:

«Une civilisation qui s'avère incapable de résoudre les problèmes que suscite son fonctionnement est une civilisation décadente.»
[ Aimé Césaire ] - Discours sur le colonialisme

Loosely translated "a civilization that proves itself incapable of resolving the problems that it has itself created, is a decadent civilization."

Absolut(ely) Awesome

Apparently this add ruffled some anti (illegal) immigration feathers. Although this ad only ran in Mexico, some racist nutballs legal immigration advocates were outraged because it shows the western united states as being part of Mexico. They are angry, or rather scared, because this is like a picture of their worst nightmare coming true in the future. But this is an accurate map of the past, so I don't really know why they have their panties in a bunch. Plus, if it only ran in Mexico, how did these guys even know about it? Did one of them *gasp* CROSS THE BORDER!?!?!

When I first saw this, I thought it meant that Sweden was going to take over Mexico and the Western United States, which I would whole-heartedly support, if for no other reason than it would end the health care debate. Not to mention if we combined Scandinavian and Latin American culture, we would just have a big party all the time, with some awesome new nopales- or Tabasco-infused vodka drinks. [Insert Absolut Sponsored Post Here] and a new bikini team with a few more brunettes and some serious culo.

Here is an excerpt from a FOXNews.com story, that must be my favorite. Here, the Company spokesman is explaining the Absolut ad campaign:

Moran said the global ad campaign has generally played on comedic juxtaposition between something real and something obviously not possible. One ad that ran in New York City showed roller-coaster handle bars inside a taxi cab; another featured a pregnant man. An ad that ran in France showed a city street clogged with bicyclists, except for a single car lane.

"Most of these have a little 'a-ha' moment," Moran said. But Absolut found itself trying to explain the joke to American audiences with the ad that ran in Mexico.

So what have we learned? Don't use ads that involve historical parody in the United States because we don't know our own history.

Medellin Part Deux: SCOTUS Shows No Love for ICJ or US Treaty Obligations

On March 25 (hey, some of us have day jobs), the Supreme Court handed down a decision in Medellin v. Texas which, as I predicted, rejected the proposition that either an ICJ decision, or a memo from the President constituted directly enforceable federal law.

Ok, it wasn't really that hard to predict. I guess the silver lining of this Court is that with certain cases, such as those involving international law, or anything against corporations or guns, you pretty much know which way they're going to go as soon as they pick up the case.

The disturbing thing about Medellin (other than the underlying crime, which was a heinous rape and murder), is that it presented a very strong case for the domestic application of international law. It involves 1) a treaty, 2)that was ratified, 3) and an Optional Protocol Consenting to ICJ jurisdiction 4) which was also ratified.

So when the ICJ determined that the US had violated its obligations under the treaty, the ICJ should be binding on us, right?

WRONG! According to this Court, neither the Optional Protocol nor the underlying treaty were "self-executing," and therefore, without a further act from Congress, did not create binding federal law. According to the Court, "submitting to jurisdiction and agreeing to be bound are two different things." Wow. If the US is free to either accept or reject an ICJ decision regardless of whether or not they sign an Optional Protocol consenting to ICJ jurisdiction, then the whole document is pointless, as is Congress ratification of that document.

Granted, there were some serious issues of state rights going on in this case, but consular relations and immigration polices (as well as policing of foreign nationals) have always been at the federal level. It makes little sense that the feds can regulate migratory birds through treaties, but not migratory people, whether or not they are in the criminal justice system. See Missouri v. Holland, 252 U.S. 416 (1920).

Whoa. I just did a legal citation. Time to stop.

Links:
Great Article by Edward Lazarus

Medellin v. Texas, Opinion

NLJ headline: Canadian law schools adopting J.D. degree designation

I got this headline in my inbox this morning. Great. It will be just like what happened with the dollar; the Canadian one will be worth more than the American one.

Photos of Thailand

So here, finally, are some photos we took on our recent trip to Thailand. It is an amazing country filled with friendly people and some awe-inspiring Buddhist temples. Below you will find some pictures of some Wats in both Bangkok and Chiang Mai, a trek we went on in Chiang Mai, and a butterfly garden. Enjoy!

Of Firearms and the "F-bomb"

In Supreme Court news, cases involving guns and Nicole Richie; unfortunately not the same case.

Today, the Court will hear oral argument in District of Columbia v. Heller, case no. 07-290, the Court will look at a Second Amendment challenge to D.C.'s ban on hand guns. The Court has not conclusively interpreted the "right to keep and bear arms" in a long time EVER. Might the Court have the Second Amendment in its sights, or will the Court shoot down the ban? Stay tuned for an update and more bad puns.

I, for one, wish that this case was not going up before the Supreme Court with its current composition. I hope the justices feel safer in D.C. knowing that they will be making it ok to tote around hand guns.
..................................................................................
UPDATE from Scotusblog based on oral argument:

The Supreme Court’s historic argument Tuesday on the meaning of the Constitution’s Second Amendment sent out one quite clear signal: individuals may well wind up with a genuine right to have a gun for self-defense in their home

.........................................................................................

Yesterday, the Court granted cert in FFC, et al. v. Fox Television Stations, et al., a case involving current FCC policy regarding so-called "fleeting expletives," called the "Bono doctrine" after a 2004 incident in which U2's Bono said on NBC that winning a Golden Globe was "really, really f---ing brilliant." The Bono doctrine, a marked change in FCC policy, makes broadcasters liable even when the offensive words are a complete surprise. This particular challenge involves

two incidents in which celebrities used profanity during the Billboard Music Awards. In 2002, Cher told the audience: "People have been telling me I'm on the way out every year? So f--- 'em." The next year, Nicole Richie said: "Have you ever tried to get cow s--- out of a Prada purse? It's not so f---ing simple." (The Nielsen Co. owns Adweek and Billboard.)

Article from Adweek.

Fox challenged the FCC's decision that they should be held liable. Fuckin' A.

Fixies

"Fixes," or fixed gear bicycles have become an essential accessory to hipsters nationwide, on par with ironic tees and a taste for PBR and bands you're not cool enough to know. And San Francisco is no exception. One would think San Francisco would be an exception, considering that NOT having brakes or gears would put one at a distinct disadvantage when tackling the city's famous hills. Nevertheless, they are everywhere. And it is no longer just the specialists who know how to ride them out there on the streets.

Now, I understand why bike messengers have them. The financial district is fairly flat, and having no gears and brakes makes a bike a lot easer and cheaper to maintain, as well as making it less of a target for bike thieves.

But as a commuter? I'll admit they look cool, and I'll also admit, that surprisingly, you can actually make it through SF without hitting a lot of big hills (thank you whoever invented "the wiggle"). But if all you're looking for is street cred with fellow skinny jeans-wearing academy of art students, maybe you should think twice. Not having brakes on Market Street sounds like a really really bad idea.

I thought I would share this craigslist ad I found. Hilarious.

Fixed Gear Death Trap - $350

---

Reply to: sale-608546617@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-03-16, 6:34PM PDT


I'm selling a complete fixed gear. It is totally ready to ride and will probably kill you.

I pushed it into a bike shop recently to have the rear wheel trued. At the bottom of my receipt it read, 'My advice, get a new bike.' So, I am. And maybe you are too! He was reserved enough not to use the words 'death' or 'trap,' but I'm not!

The frame is probably an old Raleigh that could have been worth something. It's rattlecanned and chipping rapidly. The paint is almost completely gone where my car's bike rack grips. There are, however, parts of the bike that are still entirely painted.

Looking a little deeper, the headset is completely fucked. Unless you can ride a unicycle, you can't ride this bike with no hands. I'm expecting something terrible to happen in the headset in the next few rides that will pitch me onto the pavement. For the right price, this could be you!

Also, the pedals were never supposed to house toe cages. So, the cages are kind of ruined and inoperable. Sometimes when I'm skidding, my front foot will almost slip out and I'll get all wobbly before righting myself. During these moments, my eyes are usually plate-wide with terror. This could be your terror!

There are still front and rear brakes installed, because it was always kind of a half-assed conversion. These could definitely be removed, though. The bike shop guy even tightened up the rear brakes for me. You could be the only fixie rider in SF with fully functional rear brakes.

But the brake cables are also completely shot, so I wouldn't count on it.

The handlebar tape is falling off and one of the plugs is missing.

Also, I don't remember what kind of cranks are on it but the pedals are super long. Every now and then when you're riding they slam off the ground and get more ruined. Again, there's some aspect of terror here.

The gear ratio is 52/20. The rear tire is flat and the Presta valve is broken off.

This bike is what my brother affectionately refers to as a 'time bomb.' Why? Because there's no track hub or cog. Actually, there's a freewheel with loctite in it. So far, I've been able to learn how to ride fixed on this setup without it falling apart. But someday it will. And when it does, someone is going to get fucking screwed.

I paid $80 for it 8 months ago in Buffalo. Considering we're in San Francisco, the asking price is $350. I think that's only fair.

Why Did I Come Back From Thailand?

I've had a few disturbing things happen around me over the last week, and the only common component to these two stories is the San Francisco Police Department.

Incident #1
I walk out of my apartment last friday, only to hear loud banging coming from an upstairs apartment. I look down the stairs to the front door of our building, and I see it is propped open and there are two cop cars parked outside. Then, I hear more banging coming from upstairs, and then (presumably the cop) saying "you called us, let us in!" I decide I don't want to have anything to do with this and casually and ever so gingerly HAUL ASS out of my building. After talking with my neighbors later, I find out what has happened.

Turns out one of our neighbors has been subletting his own room (in addition to the other bedroom) to foreigners who don't know any better, and then sleeps on the couch. He demands rent up front and actually hangs out in what would be his own room until 1 am before letting the sub-leasee in to go to bed. I guess the last batch of foreigners decided to not put up with his stuff, and my neighbors response was to move all of their shit to a hotel in the tenderloin while they weren't home and then change the locks. For those of you who aren't from SF, the tenderloin is one part of the city that...how to put this...a part of the city that has successfully resisted gentrification. Or, to quote Dave Chapelle, "There ain't nothin' tender about that muthafucka!"

Holy Shit, right? But it doesn't stop there.

One of the sub-leasees returns to the building to get back the rent money that he has pre-paid, and unsurprisingly, my neighbor won't let him in. The sub-leasee insists. My neighbor calls the cops. My neighbor won't let the sub-leasee or the cops in. My neighbor tries to keep them out with a knife. He is arrested and goes to the pokie for the weekend. This is the scuffle I heard.

The entire building is wondering whether our landlord will kick him out. I think attempted assault would arise to a breach of the covenant of quiet enjoyment, but then again, I don't do landlord tenant stuff so wtf do I know. I think if nothing else the landlord would be motivated by the fact that the neighbor is living under rent control.

Incident # 2
On my way home from work yesterday, there was a belligerent drunk on the N-Judah. No real surprise there. But he sat on the steps, making everyone who was trying to either get on or get off the train go around him. These steep stairs are treacherous enough without an additional inebriated obstacle. When someone commented that he was in the way, the drunk unleashed a few elbow jabs to passengers getting off the train, and then a tirade of profanity that lasted for about 10 minutes. I don't know what he said since I had my Ipod in (listening to "the Black Kids" I might add, which adds a degree of foreshadowing here) but it was enough to make the jaded SF people around me look like miffed puritans so it must have been pretty bad.

So at the stop at Carl and Cole, which is heavily trafficked, some passenger had had enough, put his foot on the drunk man's back and sort of push-kicked him off the train. Then the passenger ran off. When the drunk turned around, all he saw were a bunch of blank stares as the rest of us glared at him from inside the train. The drunk then decides that this one man, who had nothing to do with the push-kick, did in fact have something to do with the push-kick, and started throwing punches at him, and then threw some at the rest of us too.

This other guy, who was African American, then stepped up and made sure that the drunk did not get back on the train and hurt anyone. Then someone called the cops. The drunk, the African American who helped ward off the drunk, and the rest of us go up to the cops.

Who was the first person the cops tried to restrain? You guessed it! The BLACK GUY! I couldn't believe it. Here was this drunk white guy missing teeth rambling on and on about god knows what, not to mention the 9 or so other people from the train who were explaining what had happened, and they just kept on questioning THE BLACK GUY. To their credit, the cops did seem to sort things out eventually, but it was just disturbing that the default response was "restrain the black guy."

Also, kudos to all you other N-Judah riders who (I'm sure were just as excited to be going home after work as I was ) stuck around to make sure that the cops got their story straight.

California Supreme Court Hears Oral Argument in Gay Marriage Cases

I only watched the first part, but the (3 hour!!) oral argument is available from local TV affiliate KTVU here:

http://www.ktvu.com/news/15466423/detail.html

The part I watched was well argued by the woman representing the city and county of SF.

The state mostly relies on the fact that there was a law passed in the seventies limiting marriage to opposite sex couples and a ballot measure passed 8 years ago that said the state will only recognize opposite-sex marriage. As such, they argue, it should be up to the voters, not the judiciary, to change things. Better route than actually trying to go to the merits, I would say.

I guess we'll know which way it will go June, as the California Supreme Court has 90 days to figure this out.